I hate the way I feel right now. It is as if someone is taking a searing piece of metal to my heart. Emotional pain and unrest to the point of physical discomfort. Yeah, fun times. . . NOT. My shoulders/neck are killing me and have been for days, and now this pain in the chest. No, it’s not a heart attack or anything crazy serious like that. It is just me bottling up emotion until it causes me to hurt physically. See, I HATE the so called “negative” emotions. Anxiety, anger, anything our society deems “bad.” So I push them down until my shoulder and chest hurt. I hate how I by nature feel everything so intensely. Seemingly to a greater degree than others. Feelings so intense i get caught up and carried away by them before my head can even counteract my heart.
I wish i could shoot novacaine into my head right now, just to have a reprieve from thinking about difficult and painful aspects of life. Yet, I know I HAVE to think about them to be able to work through them and move on.
I have accepted that I have bipolar disorder, but it doesnt’ make me hate it any less. It doesn’t cause me to like the medicine, the therapy, the constantly second guessing when I feel happy. I don’t like any of that. No, I hate it. I hate the pills I take, I hate how I am almost always on guard and monitoring how I feel. I hate that it seems as thought I am so alone in this, when I know i’m not. I hate feeling as though I am a plague upon humanity, even though those I love prove to me consantly that that feeling is far from the truth. I hate how I know that this is my battle to fight, and yet I also know i’m not quite strong enough to fight it alone. I hate how little and broken I seemingly constantly feel. I hate how narcissistic I get when I feel good. I hate being so full of emotion I feel as though I could rip a grown tree out of the ground, roots and all.
Yet, I will press on. I will persevere. God is bigger than this shit. Somehow, i’ll put one foot in front of the other.