Have you ever sat down and looked at the person you have become and been completely disgusted? I feel as though a balloon of who I am, or how I percieved myself has been popped and I can see my broken state so clearly and it causes me to thirst painfully and lustfully for Christ. The image I held of me being a sinner yeah, but at least i’m not that bad of a sinner has been crushed by the full weight of my deeds. Painfully I cry out to the living God knowing that I was the one who hammered those nails, I was the one who pierced His side. and He looked down with love and compassion and said “Father forgive her, she doesn’t know what she is doing. Let me take her sin” and I railed at that. I gritted my teeth in disgust and anger. How could perfection dare to dirty himself with the smut that I had been living in never realising how prideful a thought that was. Never realising that my false humility was horrific pride, me believing that there was still some way I could be good enough to gain entrance into heaven. Never truly falling completly in the arms of my Savior. “Abba, Daddy, I’ll give you this part of my life. It’s clean, it’s pretty, it’s good enough for you. Let me work on this part a little while. When it’s good enough i’ll give it to you too.” IT WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. I cannot perfect myself. Only the precious blood of salvation can purify my wretched life. Only Christ can knock through the walls of the psych ward and wake me up to His grace and mercy. I lay my filthy rags as an offering to my Savior, and he is well pleased. All of my polished coins and good deeds were disgusting to Him. He comes to me and whispers “everything. I want everything. every white lie, every impure thought, every struggle, every hard morning, every scary thought, every selfish desire, every selfless ambition. I want everything angela. only by being poured out can you ever been filled.” All to Jesus I surrender. All to thee I freely give. I will ever love and trust thee In His prescence freely live.
