Well my dear friend, here we are once again.  I always seem to come to you during these times.  Times when life is hard and my heart is hurting.  It seems that no one understands as well as a glaring computer monitor.  There is comfort in pushing send and knowing that somewhere, maybe someone is nodding their head in understanding.  So, dearest oblivion, here I am again.

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of three weeks and I feel as though I’m going to either cry or puke, or both at the same time.  I have never known such intense care for another being.  I don’t know if it is that mushy or if I am just that heartless.  My self depreciating side says that I am just that heartless,  my slightly more honest side says that I have never met anyone whom I get along with as well as this guy.  Why I’m sure you’re asking then, did I break up with him?  Why Angela, would you let this one get away??  If you are so enamored with this guy, why did YOU do the breaking up?  Well, I need to fall in love with someone else before anything big or anything REAL can happen with West (the man whom I am enamored with).  I need to fall in love with God again.

I have been both running away from and towards God since about March now and I have been miserable since June.  The past few weeks in which I have been dating West, my desire for God has been whetted.  My appetite to know Him and to yearn for Him as I once did is back.  Sadly, my fleshly desire for comfort keeps getting in the way.  The desire to sleep, the desire to just spend time with West, or to be held by him.  Instead of seeking God I started seeking physical comforts.  I almost desire to sleep outside on a rock hard bench just to shake me out of this desire for comfort.  I yearn to only find comfort in my God and in His word.

I want whatever future West and I have to be a healthy relationship founded on God and right now neither of us know what that really looks like.  My heart aches in a way it never has.  I love West, but I love God more.

All to Jesus, I surrender.  All to thee I freely give.

Much Love,

Angela